But then what pain is still residing in some corner of my heart is unknown to me

When I look at opportunities I know, I don’t have less
When I look for love, I know I don’t have less
When I look at opportunities I know, I don’t have less
When I look for love, I know I don’t have less
But then what pain is still residing in some corner of my heart is unknown to me
That darkness where light is ZERO is also unknown to know
I look at you - GOD please keep your hand on my head as I feel lost like a kid in crowd

i feel nostalgic and i feel i have lost so much in long run

my oldest memory of myself is of the day i started going school ,
crying shouting and then droping myself at the school gate ,
me holding my dads index finger , and so many securities in life ,
moms beautiful and doono why so painful eyes,
then i remmeber the day i broke my chin and then that doc who was gonna stich that,
damm him i never agreedi remmber my first 2nd injections of my lifeohh i do remmeber dal lake ,
shikara and that big mountain behind that hospital where i wanted to trek to,
i remmeber my masi place in anantnag , i remmeber the day mom dad went to srinagar in taxi ,
i remmeber the bullet shots , the smell of tear gases ,
the closed window ,
the closed door, i remmber long taxi drive to jammu ,
i remmber little darling pavit ,i remmeber my janipur school ground and all my classrooms ,
the gol guppasi remmeber my school hostel , hostel ground , tubewell, GK Quiz ,
books and authers ,manser to hostel walk , cross country , night long borne fires ,
dancing on oleeeeeee oleeeeeee haha, after lunch class romms,my KV , unit tests ,
my diary , tutuions, my cool college , rocking pals ,
mad and gaga life,sometimes when i am lonely i feel like tracing back those days , tests and vivas , lunch at that dusty ground and morning prayers ,
i feel nostalgic and i feel i have lost so much in long run ,
i feel holding back dreams and my share oh happiness ,
i feel like jumping from the 4th floor of my office building and shouting
" I WANNA LIVE ,
LIVE LIFE,
LIFE OF MY OWN"

I stood there till everyone else left

My hands were life less
My legs were shivering and knees lifeless
Thank god eyes absorbed my tears; I could barely walk a single step.
Something with in me broke, I could hear the sound
I stood there till end
I stood there till everyone else left
May be not my face but the shaky steps would have told the story

They best comes from you when you are sad

They best comes from you when you are sad

Lately I have been busy with life – office and some activities,
I am busy and enjoying my it too

I did not feel any reason to be sad, so I never felt any reason to write anything.
Some how all my posts come from my soul when I am upset and away from the world?
When I am upset I start thinking about this world,
I start thinking about the multiple reasons


My mind was again lost in thoughts
In fact my mind was engrossed in a very big dilemma
Remove or Retain
By now I had realized that life is never 100% happiness so whatever I decide I have to do that on cost of something else
I knew both the decisions will make some people happy and some people really sad
I knew both decisions will make my soul unhappy as the burden of upsetting others was killing
Whenever I close my eyes, I fear of darkness inside and when I open eyes for light I see nothing but darkness-

Juhu Beach

Was supposed to get up at 445 am as had a trek plan on Sunday, But kept on talking to my roommate till I realized it was already 4am, so that plan was canceled. 

At 4am I slept as if there was no tomorrow, a content sleep. I got up at 9am, had not planned anything.

My roommate suggested going to a movie Pirates of the Caribbean was running in a theater nearby Went for it, enjoyed it 

Later that day, went to Juhu beach I have been to this beach since last 6 years, but today it seemed the most beautiful place I have ever seen in Mumbai

Windy, high waves, high tide, a little drizzle Oh god it was mind-blowing I eyes kept following big waves, I love watching the sea, 

The multiple, simultaneously waves of all sizes are like the chaos in our heart, or like thoughts in our mind.

Yesterday the sea was indifferent & moody.

Initially, I felt it was angry, wild, and rough. 

I sat there for almost 40 minutes, gazing the waves,They were beautiful 

Sea was not angry, but young and enthusiastic like a small kid I just closed my eyes and together I and sea said some prayer as if we were celebrating some ritual. I felt no one could listen to what we were talking to each other. Our giggle became laughter and I thanked God for blessing me. I opened my eyes as the seawater had touched me, Prayer was complete, So was the ritual

Old Man and his last Journey

Final Journey of that old man had already started in his mind
This time he knew, he was going to win
He had to climb till the end

He could not sleep throughout the night
He got up early, got dressed up and waited for the sun to bloom
This time he chose to walk alone, though no one in his family supported this idea

Feeling of restlessness arose and he thought of starting before dusk
He lifted his already packed sack (bag) on his shoulders
These shoulders had become somehow weak now
But now his willpower

He saw his 5 year old granddaughter sleeping on the bed
He felt content, blessed and weak at same time

But he decided to continue, as there were still some stones left unturned in his life
He reached local bus stop. Paid for the bus ticket and settled down on the window seat

Enthusiastic and restless like a 16 year old boy
He didn't want to miss any moment of this journey
So he clicked pictures of possibly all things he could see from the window
He didn't have a wink of sleep in his bus travel of 15 hrs

He got down from the bus , hired a small room in a motel
Took bath had dinner and a started the final journey

It was dark - in fact night had just started
But now no one could stop this OLD child

He packed some biscuits, chips, fruits and water in his bag,
He hanged his camera in his neck and started walking through the dense jungle

This was the same place which was just behind his school
And all his school life he wanted to explore his place
Neither he nor his friends have ever dared to,
Walk through that dense jungle to make to that mountain top.
Every time they bunked school to climb the mountain
they would stop themselves from entering the jungle as
they have heard many scary stories about the place

After finishing the school he had almost everyday dreamed of climbing that mountain tip
Neither that urge left him nor his dreams

BUT today
Today was a different day,
Today he was neither scared of any animal eating him nor of any GHOST gulping him down
Today there was no fear
No even the fear of death

He started his journey
Any whatever things he could see with help of his torch light looked beautiful to him
He kept walking,
He kept walking

He reached to a small river, it was early morning and he removed his clothes
Had bath and had his breakfast

He lied down had a small nap
And again made himself fresh for the rest journey

He kept walking till he reached mountain base
Now he was at the final stage of his dream

He felt very elated and very tired
He again lied down, used his sack as pillow
Though he felt tired he could not close his eyes
Through-out the night he kept gazing at the peak
He wanted to start climbing, but by now his legs had given up
So the idea of resting was right one

Early morning he again started his journey
Journey towards his dream
He kept climbing; his legs were almost dead now
But the endpoint kept him moving
He gave up idea of eating anything and wanted to reach before night
May be 20 kms more he calculated in his mind,
Slowly the distance narrowed to 10 kms
Then 5, 3, 2

Finally the last few steps
he made it
he reached to the top
he shouted and laughed and shouted and laughed and shouted and laughed
he kissed the lifeless mountain again and again and when the night was at its peak he slept with a content heart , and a smile on his face

At his home, in the morning granddaughter saw his grandpa lifeless on bed with a tear rolling down his cheeks
She kissed him and cried and saw the packed sack just at the right corner of room

path of true faith

I cried till all tears dried away 

When no more tears left to cry – I collected shattered pieces of my soul to rebuilt myself 

I have done this so many times – But this time I have learned one big lesson we are born to rebuilt, 

every time I create I know I have created it for destruction The tussle started between god and me None of us gave up I kept building 

 He kept destroying and teaching me to become more patients and stronger Today I thank god for showing me the path of true faith

things i wanna do before i die

Hey Girish, Your scrap actually made me think about dreams or things I like to do That was a positive thought That made me to sink into myself and to evolve with answers In my post I don’t crib about my life But I feel that there is life beyond horizons And we all need to live to explore that I am a coward; I don’t have courage to explore things alone That is why most of the time I beg people to join me There are many things which I want to do before I die 

 1. I want to spend the entire one month in Himalaya, reading walking gazing, and closing my eyes so that I can capture the moments for lifetime. 

2. Don’t know about the world but want to see and feel INDIA [ amaranth , jaipur , kerala , shimla , assam , Ladakh and my home town Kashmir] 

3. I want to cry endlessly in moms lap to make for all the pains I have given her as an arrogant girl and want to tell her I love and miss her beyond words 

4. I want to tell a list of people that they don’t deserve what they are, 

5. I want to spend a night at the terrace of my home gazing stars. 

6. Want to read Baghvat Gita the day I realize I will understand it 

7. Want to read all Paul chealo books; I want him to live for another 100 years as he is an angle for me. 

8. Want to get up a day when I know I don’t have anything to worry about 

9. Walk endlessly in rains till it will drench my soul. 

10. Shower for complete 30 min and listening calmly to multiple persons within me 

11. Moving to a level were looks, designation, money doesn’t matter to me 

12. Living to reach a point when there will be no person who can make me go weak on my knees 

13. Reaching a level when I possess only unconditional love for the people I encounter and no expectations in return

RANDOM 1.2.3

We all must have traveled alone by train or by bus
At that time have you ever felt a sequence of thoughts in your mind???
They were always there in your mind but hidden somewhere

When you are in a crowded train or bus you are on your own,
Your thinking process is moving without any disturbance
Even in such noise you don’t feel disturbed a

On Contrary

When you are in a conference room
You feel more chaos
You find it difficult to concentrate
Even slightest noise disturbs you

Bas Aur Kuch nahi

Jo tufaan pehle gharon ko roondhkar nikal jate the 

Who aaj kal tuuti ui divaron ko hilake jate hai 

Zindhagi ase he jiye jate hai 

Kuch pakadarkar rakha hai aur Kuch beh jane diye jate hai 

Kati hui - padi hui havah main jhoom Aasman ke nile samundar main gum Idar mudi , udhar udhi Tootkar bikharne se pehle hum bhi to kuch jee le zara

all it needs to see someone dear clearly is to SHED SOMETHING within

Some day’s back I met an old friend I tried to search myself in her eyes 

What I saw was a blurred image of mine Tear in my eyes and hers made our respective images blur That day I realized “all it needs to see someone dear clearly is to SHED SOMETHING within”

Why are we crying for things which have to die anyways?

Every exiting thing turns into a routine before it fades away or dies.

At present just think of the most desirable thing that you want

Will you have a desire for it next year, and for the coming years? 

If you are crying today for something.

It is possible that tomorrow you won’t even need it.

We live in a drastically changing world.

Were most of the times we run and cry for silly things? 

Why are you even living? Does this question rise in your mind any day? 

Everything is futile Everything is meaningless 

Everything will die in due course of time 

Why are we crying for things which are going to die anyway?

Let only the death detach me

I am feeling miserable
I feel like crying
I feel sad

Things seems out of control
Every time I encounter a problem - I crib
I feel I won’t be able to solve it

Everything I crib - I feel bad for feeling low
Again I make myself understand that I have to fight back

I convince myself to fight back
And I fight back

But

Not this time
Not this time

Let me die
Let me rest in peace
The war is never gonna end
The fight is never gonna stop
It is a dead loop

Let only the death detach me

Ignorance would have been bliss

I have met very less people like me - who know that they are confused
God has brought me closer to Questions but have left me wandering to find answers
God has also made a whole class who are untouched by confusion
They are busy in parting and enjoying and are untouched by so many things

I asked god “why you made me to like this ?”
I would have been happy if I would have been untouched by your feel
I would have been normal like many others – who are bound by limits when they think they are free
I would have felt liberated in a cage – though unknown to the cage around me

Timeless happiness would have been restricted to things I could have been able to buy by money

Ignorance would have been bliss

Now I am a dead man
I belong to No world
I can’t attain happiness in materialistic things
Neither can I be an atheist nor a common man
Will I live in confusion throughout?

happiness belongs to you

Off late I have become more patient somehow
Don’t know why but I have realized that allowing people and conditions to affect your mood is not wise
Mind and heart are full of conflicts
Contradicting thoughts
Conflicting situations
At any moment you have multiple choices which make your life more demanding
The decision that makes your closer to humanity is always the best decision
The decision which leaves you with no heavy heart is the best decision
The decision that helps you to move away from anger and selfishness is the best decision
The decision that makes you humble is the best decision

You always have choices to react – but the reaction leaves you with no guilt is the best choice
The reaction which makes your heart proud of you is the best decision

Silence is hibernation

Silence is hibernation I have read it somewhere, Silence and Hibernation Are they related?

When I opt for silence as an answer, I know I have more than enough to say. 

A heated argument leaves you shattered 

What do you generally do after that? 

I simply retire to a phase where I am simply at receiving end. Silence- I analyze things and reenergize myself, either I eat away my anger or I gain energy to re attack

I felt shameless

I had somehow imagined that like is not so boring unless you make it so
You study to get into better college
You study in college to get a good job

but then how do you define a good job
Hmm a good salary package (may be yes , may be no - forget this discussion here)

Was i born to write some stupid lines of code?
Which simply make sense to none (not even to me?)
Was this for what i have wasted 16-18 years in college?

I feel it is a vicious circle
Escaping from this may be next to impossible

But there are other ways to be spiritually active
Go for good books and good cinema
They somehow keep your inner self active and rational

Recently I saw Blood Diamond
I felt somehow life is just more than office and home to and fro circle

Some of us are really unlucky to even get there basic needs fulfilled
When we simply comment of food in restaurants
In my heart I feel, some are not privileged to even have enough to eat

People around you teach you so much
Some days back I was in rickshaw and needed to reach home fast
I was after rickshaw guy so that he would move little fast

While getting down from rickshaw I saw he did not have legs,
I was in tears; he was supposed to return me some bucks
I simply did not have courage to see him struggling so that he can reach to his purse to get the coins
I felt shameless
I felt disgusting
I left the place that very moment
he kept shouting
"madam aap ka paise "

Why god is so biased?

Yesterday while retiring to home after office
I saw a 6-7 years old girl carrying a 6-7 month old baby near the grocery shop in my building premises

The little kid – 6 month one was attacking the Kukuree packet in the shop and the elder kiddie was stopping him from doing so
She was hitting her

She wanted him to understand that a packet of Kukuree is a luxury that she was not supposed to indulge into such luxury

It was sad
Some people become so mature so early
Life teaches people harsh lessons
Why god is so biased?