Purane Shehar

तुम क्यों नये शहर मैं पुराने शहर को ढूंढते हो
वह शहर अब यहाँ नहीं बास्ते

न बची है वो गलियां जहाँ बेबाक निकल जाते तुम
और आवारागर्दी कर रोज़ नए रस्ते निकाल घर पहुँच ही जाते थे


हसते थे तो बेबाक हसते थे , रोते थे तो बिलख बिलख रोते थे
मुखोटों से परे ज़िन्दगी बुरी तो न थी

वह शहर अब शायद बस हमारी यादों मैं बसते है
और फिर किसी कोने से झांककर हमारी हालत पे हसते है

-- shally --


कभी पैसे दिए और कभी फ्री मैं खाई वह टॉफियां
कभी दोस्तों ने दिलदारी की और कभी तुमने खिला दी उनको कुल्फियां

कट्टी पक्की मैं ज़िन्दगी बुरी तो न थी
लड़ते थे , मानते भी थे , कोल्ड वॉर से परे थी ज़िन्दगी

That everyday struggle to fight emptiness or find peace in current moment.

Well everyday cant be glorious but at least there has to be something which makes you feel you did belong here.

Netflix and chill is cool, A a meal outside or order in is great 

Social media is guilt pleasure

But the overindulgence is what steals the fun.

Weekdays are busy to even think beyond your next task.

And Weekends are for introspection.

Am I living or barely existing.

Time wasted on browsing through videos , whatsapp chats , quora answers are just fillers , it is like numbing your mind so that you stop feeling anything profound -  pure escapism .

Every few months when I hit rock bottom I try to reevaluate all the extra baggage we carry to make our lives more complicated and Unhappy.

When a long vacation is great or a meal outside is relaxing we cant always do that every single day.

We have to find something simple or productive to attain that zen like feeling during most part of our day

Idiotic it may sound but when the chaos hits me the first thing I start doing is simply decluttering my cub-board, it is therapeutic .

Getting rid of unnecessary and making physical empty space in house is instant mood booster.

A simple thing to brighten up your every day is cooking something which is simple and comforting. instant gratification.

And when to things or worst I run towards empathy , selfish it may sound but it heals you .

feeling doesn't go away

I want my days full of busyness
any empty moment makes me feel so unwanted
either i feel nothing or everything altogether
Something deep within cries every time I am alone
I run away from it and still it is just chasing me forever

Much more than yesterday

And I was feeling very cold

Chilly winds were piercing deep into my skin
I was regretting every part of my decision
and missing the warmth of my home
the coziness of my comfortable corner

But then every day back home is the same
Adding nothing to my existence
And here one day out of my comfort zone
I am being much more than what I was
Yesterday

You fear more of your inner self than the world outside

On one hand, I wanted to believe what everyone else was believing. 

But on the other hand, I felt hurt angry rebellious cheated all at the same time. 

And I couldn't decide which side to believe. 

My mind and heart were oscillating between these two strong beliefs. 

It was actually driving me crazy. 

I contemplated all the strong emotions and actions I could or would take. 

But in the end, I was sober. 

And I knew everything else too will calm down slowly. 

But the scars will remain forever. 

Every time something like this happens a part of me dies forever. 

We don't stop living but we do stop living the way we would love to. 

Life moves on you compromise with the situation but the twinkle in your eyes fades forever. When you close your eyes you don't dream of anything beautiful but the daemons of the past scare you. 

You fear more of your inner self than the world outside

our moon has blood clots

Reading " Our moon has got blood clots" the story of kashmiri pandits ethnic cleansing - I was just 5-6 years old when we migrated - I don't have detailed memories of the all the incidents - but small flashbacks , fragments of incidents that are engraved deep in my heart and will remain with me till I die - 

The book is so real - so detailed as if I am reliving those emotions since yesterday 
those endless nights when whole family will be sitting and waiting endlessly for the night to get over when mobs used to be on roads shouting " Hum kya chahte aazadhi " aazadi ka matlab kya " - "lai lai il lala" 

Sleeping in shops in jammu for many days when we didn't have a place to sleep immediately after migrating from Srinagar - being house arrest for more many weeks at my aunts place in anantnag - being treated disrespectfully in our own country for many many years . seeing my grand father dying as his skin was melting in the unbearable heat of jammu which he was never used to. One of my school mates was killed in cross firing and we were confined to school premises for 24 hours. living on just little food for many days during curfew . those deserted roads in srinagar . a fear of being killed of kicked just for being a hindu in our own country.

Today it seems a distant memory - but the book has brought all that agitation , helplessness, desperation , painful sadness back. I had stopped getting all these dreams long time back but yesterday i again found myself waiting endlessly and watching all the scenes through my window in Srinagar in my dream.

She slowly tossed that small drop of tear in the air until her eyes were watery again.

This time she knew it was the last time
It was the last time to say goodbye and that too forever
She tried her best to be clam but the sadness of her eyes told it all.

She kept tossing tears until her eyes were watery again.
She always knew that saying goodbyes were difficult
But this time she was sadder as there was absolutely no tomorrow.

She started breathing slowly and closed her eyes and felt in peace forever.
The day she was born she was a little angel in the form of flesh
And a little hope that God still had in humanity.

I realized the power of the supreme god and bowed before him.
Her eyes were beautiful, I felt mesmerized by the beauty of this little angel.

She had left us for life with the belief that god can steal people from us but not memories and love.
I didn't find death cruel at that moment; I simply felt it as a lesson.