Purane Shehar

तुम क्यों नये शहर मैं पुराने शहर को ढूंढते हो
वह शहर अब यहाँ नहीं बास्ते

न बची है वो गलियां जहाँ बेबाक निकल जाते तुम
और आवारागर्दी कर रोज़ नए रस्ते निकाल घर पहुँच ही जाते थे


हसते थे तो बेबाक हसते थे , रोते थे तो बिलख बिलख रोते थे
मुखोटों से परे ज़िन्दगी बुरी तो न थी

वह शहर अब शायद बस हमारी यादों मैं बसते है
और फिर किसी कोने से झांककर हमारी हालत पे हसते है

-- shally --


कभी पैसे दिए और कभी फ्री मैं खाई वह टॉफियां
कभी दोस्तों ने दिलदारी की और कभी तुमने खिला दी उनको कुल्फियां

कट्टी पक्की मैं ज़िन्दगी बुरी तो न थी
लड़ते थे , मानते भी थे , कोल्ड वॉर से परे थी ज़िन्दगी

That everyday struggle to fight emptiness or find peace in current moment.

Well everyday cant be glorious but at least there has to be something which makes you feel you did belong here.

Netflix and chill is cool, A a meal outside or order in is great 

Social media is guilt pleasure

But the overindulgence is what steals the fun.

Weekdays are busy to even think beyond your next task.

And Weekends are for introspection.

Am I living or barely existing.

Time wasted on browsing through videos , whatsapp chats , quora answers are just fillers , it is like numbing your mind so that you stop feeling anything profound -  pure escapism .

Every few months when I hit rock bottom I try to reevaluate all the extra baggage we carry to make our lives more complicated and Unhappy.

When a long vacation is great or a meal outside is relaxing we cant always do that every single day.

We have to find something simple or productive to attain that zen like feeling during most part of our day

Idiotic it may sound but when the chaos hits me the first thing I start doing is simply decluttering my cub-board, it is therapeutic .

Getting rid of unnecessary and making physical empty space in house is instant mood booster.

A simple thing to brighten up your every day is cooking something which is simple and comforting. instant gratification.

And when to things or worst I run towards empathy , selfish it may sound but it heals you .

feeling doesn't go away

I want my days full of busyness
any empty moment makes me feel so unwanted
either i feel nothing or everything altogether
Something deep within cries every time I am alone
I run away from it and still it is just chasing me forever

Much more than yesterday

And I was feeling very cold

Chilly winds were piercing deep into my skin
I was regretting every part of my decision
and missing the warmth of my home
the coziness of my comfortable corner

But then every day back home is the same
Adding nothing to my existence
And here one day out of my comfort zone
I am being much more than what I was
Yesterday

You fear more of your inner self than the world outside

On one hand, I wanted to believe what everyone else was believing. 

But on the other hand, I felt hurt angry rebellious cheated all at the same time. 

And I couldn't decide which side to believe. 

My mind and heart were oscillating between these two strong beliefs. 

It was actually driving me crazy. 

I contemplated all the strong emotions and actions I could or would take. 

But in the end, I was sober. 

And I knew everything else too will calm down slowly. 

But the scars will remain forever. 

Every time something like this happens a part of me dies forever. 

We don't stop living but we do stop living the way we would love to. 

Life moves on you compromise with the situation but the twinkle in your eyes fades forever. When you close your eyes you don't dream of anything beautiful but the daemons of the past scare you. 

You fear more of your inner self than the world outside

our moon has blood clots

Reading " Our moon has got blood clots" the story of kashmiri pandits ethnic cleansing - I was just 5-6 years old when we migrated - I don't have detailed memories of the all the incidents - but small flashbacks , fragments of incidents that are engraved deep in my heart and will remain with me till I die - 

The book is so real - so detailed as if I am reliving those emotions since yesterday 
those endless nights when whole family will be sitting and waiting endlessly for the night to get over when mobs used to be on roads shouting " Hum kya chahte aazadhi " aazadi ka matlab kya " - "lai lai il lala" 

Sleeping in shops in jammu for many days when we didn't have a place to sleep immediately after migrating from Srinagar - being house arrest for more many weeks at my aunts place in anantnag - being treated disrespectfully in our own country for many many years . seeing my grand father dying as his skin was melting in the unbearable heat of jammu which he was never used to. One of my school mates was killed in cross firing and we were confined to school premises for 24 hours. living on just little food for many days during curfew . those deserted roads in srinagar . a fear of being killed of kicked just for being a hindu in our own country.

Today it seems a distant memory - but the book has brought all that agitation , helplessness, desperation , painful sadness back. I had stopped getting all these dreams long time back but yesterday i again found myself waiting endlessly and watching all the scenes through my window in Srinagar in my dream.

She slowly tossed that small drop of tear in the air until her eyes were watery again.

This time she knew it was the last time
It was the last time to say goodbye and that too forever
She tried her best to be clam but the sadness of her eyes told it all.

She kept tossing tears until her eyes were watery again.
She always knew that saying goodbyes were difficult
But this time she was sadder as there was absolutely no tomorrow.

She started breathing slowly and closed her eyes and felt in peace forever.
The day she was born she was a little angel in the form of flesh
And a little hope that God still had in humanity.

I realized the power of the supreme god and bowed before him.
Her eyes were beautiful, I felt mesmerized by the beauty of this little angel.

She had left us for life with the belief that god can steal people from us but not memories and love.
I didn't find death cruel at that moment; I simply felt it as a lesson.

But then what pain is still residing in some corner of my heart is unknown to me

When I look at opportunities I know, I don’t have less
When I look for love, I know I don’t have less
When I look at opportunities I know, I don’t have less
When I look for love, I know I don’t have less
But then what pain is still residing in some corner of my heart is unknown to me
That darkness where light is ZERO is also unknown to know
I look at you - GOD please keep your hand on my head as I feel lost like a kid in crowd

i feel nostalgic and i feel i have lost so much in long run

my oldest memory of myself is of the day i started going school ,
crying shouting and then droping myself at the school gate ,
me holding my dads index finger , and so many securities in life ,
moms beautiful and doono why so painful eyes,
then i remmeber the day i broke my chin and then that doc who was gonna stich that,
damm him i never agreedi remmber my first 2nd injections of my lifeohh i do remmeber dal lake ,
shikara and that big mountain behind that hospital where i wanted to trek to,
i remmeber my masi place in anantnag , i remmeber the day mom dad went to srinagar in taxi ,
i remmeber the bullet shots , the smell of tear gases ,
the closed window ,
the closed door, i remmber long taxi drive to jammu ,
i remmber little darling pavit ,i remmeber my janipur school ground and all my classrooms ,
the gol guppasi remmeber my school hostel , hostel ground , tubewell, GK Quiz ,
books and authers ,manser to hostel walk , cross country , night long borne fires ,
dancing on oleeeeeee oleeeeeee haha, after lunch class romms,my KV , unit tests ,
my diary , tutuions, my cool college , rocking pals ,
mad and gaga life,sometimes when i am lonely i feel like tracing back those days , tests and vivas , lunch at that dusty ground and morning prayers ,
i feel nostalgic and i feel i have lost so much in long run ,
i feel holding back dreams and my share oh happiness ,
i feel like jumping from the 4th floor of my office building and shouting
" I WANNA LIVE ,
LIVE LIFE,
LIFE OF MY OWN"

I stood there till everyone else left

My hands were life less
My legs were shivering and knees lifeless
Thank god eyes absorbed my tears; I could barely walk a single step.
Something with in me broke, I could hear the sound
I stood there till end
I stood there till everyone else left
May be not my face but the shaky steps would have told the story

They best comes from you when you are sad

They best comes from you when you are sad

Lately I have been busy with life – office and some activities,
I am busy and enjoying my it too

I did not feel any reason to be sad, so I never felt any reason to write anything.
Some how all my posts come from my soul when I am upset and away from the world?
When I am upset I start thinking about this world,
I start thinking about the multiple reasons


My mind was again lost in thoughts
In fact my mind was engrossed in a very big dilemma
Remove or Retain
By now I had realized that life is never 100% happiness so whatever I decide I have to do that on cost of something else
I knew both the decisions will make some people happy and some people really sad
I knew both decisions will make my soul unhappy as the burden of upsetting others was killing
Whenever I close my eyes, I fear of darkness inside and when I open eyes for light I see nothing but darkness-

Juhu Beach

Was supposed to get up at 445 am as had a trek plan on Sunday, But kept on talking to my roommate till I realized it was already 4am, so that plan was canceled. 

At 4am I slept as if there was no tomorrow, a content sleep. I got up at 9am, had not planned anything.

My roommate suggested going to a movie Pirates of the Caribbean was running in a theater nearby Went for it, enjoyed it 

Later that day, went to Juhu beach I have been to this beach since last 6 years, but today it seemed the most beautiful place I have ever seen in Mumbai

Windy, high waves, high tide, a little drizzle Oh god it was mind-blowing I eyes kept following big waves, I love watching the sea, 

The multiple, simultaneously waves of all sizes are like the chaos in our heart, or like thoughts in our mind.

Yesterday the sea was indifferent & moody.

Initially, I felt it was angry, wild, and rough. 

I sat there for almost 40 minutes, gazing the waves,They were beautiful 

Sea was not angry, but young and enthusiastic like a small kid I just closed my eyes and together I and sea said some prayer as if we were celebrating some ritual. I felt no one could listen to what we were talking to each other. Our giggle became laughter and I thanked God for blessing me. I opened my eyes as the seawater had touched me, Prayer was complete, So was the ritual

Old Man and his last Journey

Final Journey of that old man had already started in his mind
This time he knew, he was going to win
He had to climb till the end

He could not sleep throughout the night
He got up early, got dressed up and waited for the sun to bloom
This time he chose to walk alone, though no one in his family supported this idea

Feeling of restlessness arose and he thought of starting before dusk
He lifted his already packed sack (bag) on his shoulders
These shoulders had become somehow weak now
But now his willpower

He saw his 5 year old granddaughter sleeping on the bed
He felt content, blessed and weak at same time

But he decided to continue, as there were still some stones left unturned in his life
He reached local bus stop. Paid for the bus ticket and settled down on the window seat

Enthusiastic and restless like a 16 year old boy
He didn't want to miss any moment of this journey
So he clicked pictures of possibly all things he could see from the window
He didn't have a wink of sleep in his bus travel of 15 hrs

He got down from the bus , hired a small room in a motel
Took bath had dinner and a started the final journey

It was dark - in fact night had just started
But now no one could stop this OLD child

He packed some biscuits, chips, fruits and water in his bag,
He hanged his camera in his neck and started walking through the dense jungle

This was the same place which was just behind his school
And all his school life he wanted to explore his place
Neither he nor his friends have ever dared to,
Walk through that dense jungle to make to that mountain top.
Every time they bunked school to climb the mountain
they would stop themselves from entering the jungle as
they have heard many scary stories about the place

After finishing the school he had almost everyday dreamed of climbing that mountain tip
Neither that urge left him nor his dreams

BUT today
Today was a different day,
Today he was neither scared of any animal eating him nor of any GHOST gulping him down
Today there was no fear
No even the fear of death

He started his journey
Any whatever things he could see with help of his torch light looked beautiful to him
He kept walking,
He kept walking

He reached to a small river, it was early morning and he removed his clothes
Had bath and had his breakfast

He lied down had a small nap
And again made himself fresh for the rest journey

He kept walking till he reached mountain base
Now he was at the final stage of his dream

He felt very elated and very tired
He again lied down, used his sack as pillow
Though he felt tired he could not close his eyes
Through-out the night he kept gazing at the peak
He wanted to start climbing, but by now his legs had given up
So the idea of resting was right one

Early morning he again started his journey
Journey towards his dream
He kept climbing; his legs were almost dead now
But the endpoint kept him moving
He gave up idea of eating anything and wanted to reach before night
May be 20 kms more he calculated in his mind,
Slowly the distance narrowed to 10 kms
Then 5, 3, 2

Finally the last few steps
he made it
he reached to the top
he shouted and laughed and shouted and laughed and shouted and laughed
he kissed the lifeless mountain again and again and when the night was at its peak he slept with a content heart , and a smile on his face

At his home, in the morning granddaughter saw his grandpa lifeless on bed with a tear rolling down his cheeks
She kissed him and cried and saw the packed sack just at the right corner of room

path of true faith

I cried till all tears dried away 

When no more tears left to cry – I collected shattered pieces of my soul to rebuilt myself 

I have done this so many times – But this time I have learned one big lesson we are born to rebuilt, 

every time I create I know I have created it for destruction The tussle started between god and me None of us gave up I kept building 

 He kept destroying and teaching me to become more patients and stronger Today I thank god for showing me the path of true faith

things i wanna do before i die

Hey Girish, Your scrap actually made me think about dreams or things I like to do That was a positive thought That made me to sink into myself and to evolve with answers In my post I don’t crib about my life But I feel that there is life beyond horizons And we all need to live to explore that I am a coward; I don’t have courage to explore things alone That is why most of the time I beg people to join me There are many things which I want to do before I die 

 1. I want to spend the entire one month in Himalaya, reading walking gazing, and closing my eyes so that I can capture the moments for lifetime. 

2. Don’t know about the world but want to see and feel INDIA [ amaranth , jaipur , kerala , shimla , assam , Ladakh and my home town Kashmir] 

3. I want to cry endlessly in moms lap to make for all the pains I have given her as an arrogant girl and want to tell her I love and miss her beyond words 

4. I want to tell a list of people that they don’t deserve what they are, 

5. I want to spend a night at the terrace of my home gazing stars. 

6. Want to read Baghvat Gita the day I realize I will understand it 

7. Want to read all Paul chealo books; I want him to live for another 100 years as he is an angle for me. 

8. Want to get up a day when I know I don’t have anything to worry about 

9. Walk endlessly in rains till it will drench my soul. 

10. Shower for complete 30 min and listening calmly to multiple persons within me 

11. Moving to a level were looks, designation, money doesn’t matter to me 

12. Living to reach a point when there will be no person who can make me go weak on my knees 

13. Reaching a level when I possess only unconditional love for the people I encounter and no expectations in return

RANDOM 1.2.3

We all must have traveled alone by train or by bus
At that time have you ever felt a sequence of thoughts in your mind???
They were always there in your mind but hidden somewhere

When you are in a crowded train or bus you are on your own,
Your thinking process is moving without any disturbance
Even in such noise you don’t feel disturbed a

On Contrary

When you are in a conference room
You feel more chaos
You find it difficult to concentrate
Even slightest noise disturbs you

Bas Aur Kuch nahi

Jo tufaan pehle gharon ko roondhkar nikal jate the 

Who aaj kal tuuti ui divaron ko hilake jate hai 

Zindhagi ase he jiye jate hai 

Kuch pakadarkar rakha hai aur Kuch beh jane diye jate hai 

Kati hui - padi hui havah main jhoom Aasman ke nile samundar main gum Idar mudi , udhar udhi Tootkar bikharne se pehle hum bhi to kuch jee le zara

all it needs to see someone dear clearly is to SHED SOMETHING within

Some day’s back I met an old friend I tried to search myself in her eyes 

What I saw was a blurred image of mine Tear in my eyes and hers made our respective images blur That day I realized “all it needs to see someone dear clearly is to SHED SOMETHING within”

Why are we crying for things which have to die anyways?

Every exiting thing turns into a routine before it fades away or dies.

At present just think of the most desirable thing that you want

Will you have a desire for it next year, and for the coming years? 

If you are crying today for something.

It is possible that tomorrow you won’t even need it.

We live in a drastically changing world.

Were most of the times we run and cry for silly things? 

Why are you even living? Does this question rise in your mind any day? 

Everything is futile Everything is meaningless 

Everything will die in due course of time 

Why are we crying for things which are going to die anyway?

Let only the death detach me

I am feeling miserable
I feel like crying
I feel sad

Things seems out of control
Every time I encounter a problem - I crib
I feel I won’t be able to solve it

Everything I crib - I feel bad for feeling low
Again I make myself understand that I have to fight back

I convince myself to fight back
And I fight back

But

Not this time
Not this time

Let me die
Let me rest in peace
The war is never gonna end
The fight is never gonna stop
It is a dead loop

Let only the death detach me