feeling doesn't go away

I want my days full of busyness
any empty moment makes me feel so unwanted
either i feel nothing or everything altogether
Something deep within cries every time I am alone
I run away from it and still it is just chasing me forever

Much more than yesterday

And I was feeling very cold

Chilly winds were piercing deep into my skin
I was regretting every part of my decision
and missing the warmth of my home
the coziness of my comfortable corner

But then every day back home is the same
Adding nothing to my existence
And here one day out of my comfort zone
I am being much more than what I was
Yesterday

You fear more of your inner self than the world outside

On one hand, I wanted to believe what everyone else was believing. 

But on the other hand, I felt hurt angry rebellious cheated all at the same time. 

And I couldn't decide which side to believe. 

My mind and heart were oscillating between these two strong beliefs. 

It was actually driving me crazy. 

I contemplated all the strong emotions and actions I could or would take. 

But in the end, I was sober. 

And I knew everything else too will calm down slowly. 

But the scars will remain forever. 

Every time something like this happens a part of me dies forever. 

We don't stop living but we do stop living the way we would love to. 

Life moves on you compromise with the situation but the twinkle in your eyes fades forever. When you close your eyes you don't dream of anything beautiful but the daemons of the past scare you. 

You fear more of your inner self than the world outside

our moon has blood clots

Reading " Our moon has got blood clots" the story of kashmiri pandits ethnic cleansing - I was just 5-6 years old when we migrated - I don't have detailed memories of the all the incidents - but small flashbacks , fragments of incidents that are engraved deep in my heart and will remain with me till I die - 

The book is so real - so detailed as if I am reliving those emotions since yesterday 
those endless nights when whole family will be sitting and waiting endlessly for the night to get over when mobs used to be on roads shouting " Hum kya chahte aazadhi " aazadi ka matlab kya " - "lai lai il lala" 

Sleeping in shops in jammu for many days when we didn't have a place to sleep immediately after migrating from Srinagar - being house arrest for more many weeks at my aunts place in anantnag - being treated disrespectfully in our own country for many many years . seeing my grand father dying as his skin was melting in the unbearable heat of jammu which he was never used to. One of my school mates was killed in cross firing and we were confined to school premises for 24 hours. living on just little food for many days during curfew . those deserted roads in srinagar . a fear of being killed of kicked just for being a hindu in our own country.

Today it seems a distant memory - but the book has brought all that agitation , helplessness, desperation , painful sadness back. I had stopped getting all these dreams long time back but yesterday i again found myself waiting endlessly and watching all the scenes through my window in Srinagar in my dream.

She slowly tossed that small drop of tear in the air until her eyes were watery again.

This time she knew it was the last time
It was the last time to say goodbye and that too forever
She tried her best to be clam but the sadness of her eyes told it all.

She kept tossing tears until her eyes were watery again.
She always knew that saying goodbyes were difficult
But this time she was sadder as there was absolutely no tomorrow.

She started breathing slowly and closed her eyes and felt in peace forever.
The day she was born she was a little angel in the form of flesh
And a little hope that God still had in humanity.

I realized the power of the supreme god and bowed before him.
Her eyes were beautiful, I felt mesmerized by the beauty of this little angel.

She had left us for life with the belief that god can steal people from us but not memories and love.
I didn't find death cruel at that moment; I simply felt it as a lesson.

But then what pain is still residing in some corner of my heart is unknown to me

When I look at opportunities I know, I don’t have less
When I look for love, I know I don’t have less
When I look at opportunities I know, I don’t have less
When I look for love, I know I don’t have less
But then what pain is still residing in some corner of my heart is unknown to me
That darkness where light is ZERO is also unknown to know
I look at you - GOD please keep your hand on my head as I feel lost like a kid in crowd

i feel nostalgic and i feel i have lost so much in long run

my oldest memory of myself is of the day i started going school ,
crying shouting and then droping myself at the school gate ,
me holding my dads index finger , and so many securities in life ,
moms beautiful and doono why so painful eyes,
then i remmeber the day i broke my chin and then that doc who was gonna stich that,
damm him i never agreedi remmber my first 2nd injections of my lifeohh i do remmeber dal lake ,
shikara and that big mountain behind that hospital where i wanted to trek to,
i remmeber my masi place in anantnag , i remmeber the day mom dad went to srinagar in taxi ,
i remmeber the bullet shots , the smell of tear gases ,
the closed window ,
the closed door, i remmber long taxi drive to jammu ,
i remmber little darling pavit ,i remmeber my janipur school ground and all my classrooms ,
the gol guppasi remmeber my school hostel , hostel ground , tubewell, GK Quiz ,
books and authers ,manser to hostel walk , cross country , night long borne fires ,
dancing on oleeeeeee oleeeeeee haha, after lunch class romms,my KV , unit tests ,
my diary , tutuions, my cool college , rocking pals ,
mad and gaga life,sometimes when i am lonely i feel like tracing back those days , tests and vivas , lunch at that dusty ground and morning prayers ,
i feel nostalgic and i feel i have lost so much in long run ,
i feel holding back dreams and my share oh happiness ,
i feel like jumping from the 4th floor of my office building and shouting
" I WANNA LIVE ,
LIVE LIFE,
LIFE OF MY OWN"